Technique TWO: Insert a Gecko

Gecko: a small, harmless, chiefly tropical and nocturnal insectivorous lizard.

You're going to need underwear for this technique. You're going to need a pair of briefs several sizes too small. I recommend the toddler's section in your local Walmart. Better yet, buy a Ken and Barbie doll and strip off Ken's underpants. Even better, pull off Barbie's panties with your teeth, yank off Ken's briefs with your lips and work a short, gasping porno scene with the two dolls (call me if you need a salacious soundtrack featuring animal sounds from a teeming barnyard). Now you have TWO pairs of extra-small underwear to choose from.

You'll need to strip naked before pulling on Barbie's panties. Repair to your bedroom and strip slowly to the sound of running water. Gyrate, undulate and caress yourself as you strip but make sure you don't sprout a boner. Boners invariably ruin everything. Just ask the reigning boner-king Bubba Clinton, former president of the Benighted States. To prevent an erection (or forestall ejaculation) think of notorious war criminal Henry Kissinger squatting naked over a can of kidney beans. Imagine him singing Madonna's Papa Don't Preach in a high-pitched warble. Nothing kills a hardon faster than a naked, singing Kissinger.

After you're done stripping proceed, without further ado, to pull Barbie's panties over your pockmarked and verrucose buttocks. This is going to be hard work but I know you can pull it off, or rather, pull it on. Getting into those panties will be hard enough. Staying in them will be harder still. Your nads are going to feel like they're being chomped by the neighbor's Dachschund. Those Barbie panties may cut off or impede circulation and cause you to fall in a dead faint. All the better. You'll feel like a real man when you come around. You'll also feel worthy of your impending foray into Instant Nirvana.

With your panties still on, prepare a Sitz Bath of blue seltzer water. Which is to say, fill a porcelain basin with blue seltzer water, the kind that fizzes and bubbles like it's trying to think. Set the basin on the floor, squat over it and lower your pantied and rebarbative rump into the seltzer water. Soak those panties while humming an old Pat Boone song. Think of Pat's badly circumcized pecker hanging from a pudendal cloud in an azure sky. Pat (for those who're interested) was circumcized with a nail clipper on his thirtieth birthday as he lay inebriated in a brothel outhouse somewhere south of the border. Or so I've heard, for schmuck's sake don't quote me.

When your Barbie panties are good and soaked, put out a short, deafening bellow. The bellow should be loud enough to shatter glass and raise welts on the tuberous skull of an emu farmer in the Australian Outback. Your bellow, if properly vented, will split your panties right down the middle and expose your twitching bunghole to the fizzing warmth of the seltzer water. Savor the sensation for a minute with your thumb jammed in your navel. Then call American Express toll free. Any toll free American Express number will do. When the operator comes on, say: I want one of them gecko lizards YeeEEEEEEP! Make sure you say precisely that and nothing else. The YeeEEEEEEP should be sustained and high-pitched, high enough for a transvestite bungee jump.

Something rather unexpected will occur ten minutes after you make the call. The pane of your window will shatter and a box will come sailing into your bedroom. The box will land close to where you're squatting. It might even land at your feet. You'll find it's a box of clear plastic dibbled with holes. The box will contain a single adult male albino gecko with pink beady eyes. Prise open the lid of the box and allow the gecko to perch on the back of your hand. You'll notice that the gecko is clothed. You'll see it's wearing a tiny black bowler hat and a red satin waistcoat. Don't let that worry you. Raise your hand to your bruised snout and sing to the gecko in a lilting croon. It doesn't matter what you sing but I strongly recommend one of the arias Pavarotti sang as he lay naked in a tub of guava jelly at a truck stop in Nevada.

When you're done singing, lower the gecko into the basin of seltzer water. Don't be concerned about the critter sinking and drowning and you having to french-kiss it back to life. It knows what it's doing. It's been exhaustively prepared for its task by the renegade Rosicrucians working in clandestine obscurity for American Express. The gecko will circle the basin three times with its bowler hat cleaving the water like a prow. It will then dart up your bunghole noiseless and fully clothed. Start counting down from twenty the instant you feel the critter's head in your much-loved orifice. INSTANT NIRVANA WILL MANIFEST SPONTANEOUSLY WHEN YOU HIT THE NUMBER EIGHT.

(Commentary on Technique Two in my next post).