Technique FOUR: Send a Smoke Signal

You'll need a goat for this one. You'll also need a hubcap, an eggbeater, a handful of sawdust, an Australian flag, a milking stool, split-crotch leather briefs, a boiled oyster, a can of used crank case oil and six raw green peas.

Bounce out into the boonies on your grandad's rusted pogo stick and locate a ricket-legged farmer named Clem. Old Clem should have a missing eye and a snot nose that periodically vents moss-green bubbles.

Buy a goat from Clem on a sunny afternoon in spring. Make sure the goat is an attractive female with outsize udders and long, fluttering lashes. Christen the goat in Clem's presence. Which is to say, name the goat in a short, formal ceremony involving a miniature Bible, a used earbud and a pair of dentures.

It is imperative that you name the goat Salma. No other name will do. Bounce home on your pogo stick with Salma trotting in tow. Leave Salma in your front yard with her udders swaddled in an Australian flag. No other flag will do.

Go to your bedroom, strip naked and wear split-crotch, black-leather briefs studded with fake emeralds. Then grab your knapsack off the comatose Belgian in your closet and bounce out to a church yard located within shooting distance of a crack house.

The knapsack should contain a milking stool, an eggbeater, a hubcap, a handful of sawdust, a boiled oyster, six raw green peas and a can of used crank case oil. Salma will follow quiet and dutiful with her udders still wrapped in that Australian flag.

The church yard must have at least twelve gravestones. Make sure one of the mutants buried there died of SHC (Spontaneous Human Combustion). Make sure a second mutant died from swallowing a frisbee at a Sunday picnic.

Set your stool in the middle of the church yard and begin milking Salma. While milking, belt out the Baywatch theme song in a prolonged operatic shriek. Collect the milk in a condom you picked out of the church trash bin.

You'll find the condom accommodates at least a gallon of fresh goat's milk (man, that latex sure does stretch). Empty half that amount into your ravening maw. Which is to say, drink at least half a gallon of condom-stored goat milk.

With all that milk sloshing around in your gut, pour the sawdust from your knapsack into the can of used crank case oil. Stir the mixture to form a thick, dark paste and smear the paste on the insides of your thighs.

Return to the milking stool with your legs wide apart and jam that boiled oyster up your left nostril with your right hand. With the same hand, glue those six raw peas to your upper lip while squealing in tremolo.

Now you're ready to rock. Grab the eggbeater and squeeze it between your pasted thighs. Sit still a minute as Salma looks on in bewilderment and arousal. Then start working that eggbeater like there's no tomorrow (there probably isn't).

Crank that beater with demented intensity till your thighs start to smoke. Keep cranking till a thick spire rises from between your thighs. Then grab the hub cap, hold it over the spire and begin shaping small, dung-colored clouds that send a coded message for miles around.

The message must read: I left my wife for a zoo ostrich. If you're in the mood you can add: I married my zoo ostrich in Vegas and laid an egg the next day. INSTANT NIRVANA WILL BE YOURS RIGHT AFTER YOU'RE DONE SENDING THE MESSAGE.

Commentary:

Make sure farmer Clem really is ricket-legged and azygous (has one eye). Also make sure you see moss-green bubbles erupt from his nose at regular intervals. If a bubble doesn't pop on its own you'll have to reach out and pop it with your index finger or head-butt that bad boy out to tarnation.

These little details are important. Ignore them at your own peril. The devil is in the details as the devil once said (with the details milling about in confusion). But the devil is also in hell, so details are hell, quod erat demons-trandum. When you're done achieving Instant Nirvana eat that oyster and those six green peas. Use your mixture of sawdust and crank case oil as a condiment, if not a condom. Waste not, want not as single-buttock Baptists often say.

What we have here is an unusually poweful technique. Reason being, it awakens not one but TWO acupressure points located in the creases of your much-coddled nad pouch. The points are known as Wang Zhui and Shieh Wu in Chinese. In Sanskrit they're called Vayu Bindu and Anirvachaniya Bindu. The points are located at the intersections of two curves described on a Cartesian grid via the equation: y = PI*x (squared) + log(e).