Technique THREE: Torch a Dildo

Wade through the trash at your local landfill and locate a discarded jockstrap. The jockstrap should be stained yellow with crotch-sweat but should, otherwise, be largely intact. Bake the strap in a red clay oven on a fine Saturday afternoon while humming Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.

Hum the Fugue in a high-pitched whine inaudible to all but the neighbor's Rottweiler. Your whine should send the dog into a homicidal frenzy that results in a high-profile, media-friendly bloodbath.

Wait for the hubbub to die down. Then pull the baked jockstrap from your red clay oven and wear while still hot. The strap will char your foreskin and iron out the creases on your nadbag but no matter. It'll all be worth it in the end.

Now you're in your backyard wearing nothing but a baked jockstrap recently discarded by a decorticated and crab-loused quarterback who happens to have a one-inch penis and a grapefruit-size wart on his skull.

Your nuts feel like they're caught in a superheated vise and you have tears running down your oven-singed mug. You are, nevertheless, in a state of incipient beatitude, your discolored teats buzzing with anticipation.

Wade across the creek behind your house and hobble into the woods with a blue china bowl, a can of cheap booze and a box of matches. Find a grassy clearing in the woods, set aside your paraphernalia and get down on all fours while muttering the phrase: doohickey dingle big dick doofus.

Remain on all fours for twelve minutes while repeating the phrase in a soaring trill. Your trill should enrage the woodland birds perched all around and induce them to swoop down and crap all over your bare back.

Rise to your feet while muttering the phrase: big boob bucolic bratwurst barbecue bungee. Repeat the phrase nine times in a mute squeal while rhythmically slapping your crotch with your right hand.

Now stand knock-kneed with your toes touching and your tongue partially extruded. Hold the pose for a minute while breathing in short gasps. Then purse your lips and begin to strain like you're trying to deject a recalcitrant bull-turd.

Keep straining till you feel an itch in your navel. The itch means your navel is about to bloom like a diseased tulip. It also means you're about to secrete a pink, translucent sap from that blooming navel.

Lower your head and watch it happen. Your navel has yawned open this fine Saturday afternoon in the woods. Your efflorescent bellybutton is leaking a pink, translucent fluid that smells like cabbage cooked in a hobo's armpit.

Let that sap drain into the blue china bowl you filched from the neighbor's outhouse. Fill the bowl and straighten with a loud, rasping howl that raises your own hackles and frightens the birds that crapped on you not a minute back.

Hold up the bowl a while in votive offering. You'll notice the sap is healing over and starting to thicken. Scoop the sap out of the bowl and shape it into a phallic totem six inches long and three inches wide.

You now have a pink, translucent dildo lovingly fashioned with your own hands, from your own navel sap. Position the dildo in the middle of the clearing while mumbling the phrase: hogball hunks for ham-fed hooterpumps.

Repeat the phrase fifteen times in crescendo, letting your voice rise to a choking scream. Then empty that can of cheap booze over your phallic totem, strike a match and set the dildo ablaze. INSTANT NIRVANA WILL KICK IN THE MOMENT YOUR DILDO CATCHES FIRE.


Commentary:

Try singing a Beach Boys song as you wade through that landfill looking for your discarded jockstrap. If possible wear a brassiere made by stapling bits of cardboard to swatches of bubble plastic. Pad the brassiere with damp pubic hair and mashed orange peels.

Make sure you repeat those phrases precisely and clearly. Failure to do so will result in scrotal hypertrophe. That's a fancy way of saying your nutsack will swell to the size of a watermelon or a genetically modified pumpkin.

This technique awakens an acupressure point located an inch above your navel. This point is called Huang Zhu in Chinese (Mandarin) and Gandharva Paramanu in Sanskrit. The point occurs at the intersection of two Chi meridians mapped on a Cartesian Grid via the equations y = 9x(cubed) + Alpha. Y'all come back now, hear?