When and How it Began

Stuff begins. Stuff remains in effect. Stuff ends. That's how the system works, how it's been from the beginning which also began when it did. That's one thing you have to remember. Even beginnings begin and the beginnings of beginnings also, in their turn, begin. Keep that in mind and you might get somewhere.

The Age of Instant Nirvana had a beginning. It is now in effect. It will end. What you need to do while it's in effect is, quit diddling your doohickey, get your ass off that air freshener you use as a bidet and take full advantage. There's a window of opportunity here. Okay, its not a window, its more like a tiny porthole or an orifice, but it's still an opportunity. If you jam your head up that orifice and use the techniques I aim to list here you'll be spooning with Ms Nirvana sooner than you think. Spooning with her and a dozen naked Ms Nirvana clones in a holographic recreation of the Playboy Mansion under that new geodesic dome they just built in the Sea of Fertility up on the moon. And that's not something to sneeze at or squirt your fluids at in paroxysms of sheer disdain. I'm the Santa Claus of satori, the Tooth Fairy of radical transcendence and I'm dropping a package in your chapped and bloody hands. All you have to do is open it before it self-destructs and blows your microcephalic skull straight into the neighbor's den.

The Age of Instant Nirvana didn't begin way back in Biblical times when guys were being stoned shitless for nursing boners on the sabbath. It didn't begin in the medieval period when wolves were being coaxed into benign oblivion and when beans were being cooked in people's armpits because fire was hard to come by and because spontaneous human combustion was an hourly occurrence. The Age of Instant Nirvana began very recently, just six years ago if you can remember that far back (I doubt you can, you need more than three unfused synapses and more than twelve uncharred neurons to sport something resembling a memory). To be precise, the Age of Instant Nirvana began on September 11, 2001, the moment those planes smashed into the Twin Towers. It was a defining moment in more ways than one. You're aware, or should be aware of what followed politically and militarily and socially and culturally. But the change that occurred in that moment was more far-reaching and more fundamental than you can possibly know.

Incidentally, folks who buy the government's line on 9/11 have shit for brains and should goose themselves with large and potent suppositories so they can crap those brains out post haste for the rapid edification of humanity. Genocide George and his cronies were in on it from the start. They made it happen so they'd have an excuse for unleashing hell, for spurting giant dollops of flaming napalm in planetary orgies of blood-soaked war-porn. This isn't speculation. I saw it with my Orbis Tertius, through the incandescent lens of my Third Eye. I grew a Third Eye on my forehead the moment those planes hit the towers. A Fourth Eye soon appeared in my navel, followed by a Fifth Eye on the throbbing tip of my Oppenheimer.

9/11 was a tragedy needless to say, but sometimes tragedies have bizarre, contradictory effects. Sometimes the worst tragedies create entirely unexpected opportunities. This is not to minimize or rationalize the event. It's just a fact. Something very odd happened when those planes hit. A very basic shift occurred, a tectonic shift as it were. The Twin Towers weren't just a pair of tall buildings. They were the prongs or tines of a giant tuning fork that sustained a global paradigm. The global system resonated to the frequency of that giant tuning fork.

The Twin Towers were the 'ursprung' or foundation of the old global order. They were the alpha and omega, the ganz andere and mysterium tremendum, the quiddity and quintessence, the tweedledum and tweedledee of the global order in much the same way as the Old Testicle and the New Testicle form the basis of Biblical Christianity. The strike on the towers caused a failure of resonance and provoked a weird and jagged paradigm shift, a sudden remorphing of the global gestalt, a spectacular alteration of the aggregor. The axes that link the earth chakras of our Gaia planet changed their configuration, the contour lines of the morphogenetic field changed shape, the vibrational frequency of the earth's prana energies rose at least half an octave.

These fundamental changes ushered in an era of strange effects. Most of those strange effects have been nocent and malefic, but some are potentially of great benefit to humanity, to everything that crawls or hops or lopes or slithers and I'm still talking about humans here. Possibly the most momentous and extraordinary strange-effect is what I'm referring to as the Opening. I'm not sure exactly what it was that opened on 9/11 but something opened. In a big way. A door or window or porthole or portcullis that had remained firmly shut for millennia creaked open on its hinges or rose silent, without ceremony. And with that remarkable and unlikely Opening began the Age of Instant Nirvana.

The Opening altered the rules radically and fundamentally. All of a sudden, the old ways were no longer valid, the old torturous and tortuous paths to enlightenment no longer significant. What we had as a result was a whole new ballgame. Not a ballgame per se, because it's not a game and the only balls involved are the ones you once owned, the grapes you once displayed with pride at the local mall and now hide in shame and abjection because all you have left is a pair of discolored raisins.

Let's be perfectly clear about this. All the stuff you learned about enlightenment no longer applies. It is useless, more useless than a dildo in the mouth of a dinosaur, more useless than breasts on a rodeo bull. But that's not bad news, no it isn't, don't even begin to think it. It is fabulous news, awesome news. The Opening has placed Nirvana within a stone's throw of every cheese dick on the planet, the kind of stone-throw that used to brain you senseless but now leaves you just slightly stunned, wondering why you aren't scuttling around on all fours like you usually do with your pants off and a scrap of raw flesh in your mouth. All that's needed now for a burst of sudden enlightenment is a technique, one or more of the six thousand techniques I'm going to list here.

The techniques are all, without exception, short and simple, shorter and simpler than a demented midget. Chances are, you won't need more than one technique to push your bony, spavined rump into Nirvana's warm grip. Most guys can make it with just one technique chosen at random. Freckle dicks from South Africa, Australia and the Southern United States may have to use up to twenty or even fifty techniques. Reason being, a lot of those pink-snout porkers rank lower on the Akashic Scale than your average wildebeest or Cape buffalo. The Akashic Scale measures the spiritual evolution of sentient beings everywhere in the universe except Texas, where sentience is rare and almost always malformed if not unequivocally homicidal.

That pretty much covers the When and the How. When the Age of Instant Nirvana began and How it began. Next time I'll talk about how long the Age will last and why Instant Nirvana or any kind of nirvana matters. I'll also talk about how the fall of the Twin Towers changed me and how I went from being a drooling trailerpark cretin to being a radiant magus with iridescent and visionary eyeballs erupting all over my anointed, generously nippled body. I still live in that old Dixie trailerpark but I'm certainly not the ricket-legged roustabout I used to be before the Opening.

Why the Opening changed me the way it did I'll never know. I'm just glad it did. Nowadays I belch luminous volcanic ash and my frequent and reverberate flatulence brings tears of mirth to the eyes of children and wafts a jasmine-scented effluvium all around the countryside, a fragrance that erases years of bitterness and brings joy to the souls of people who happened to buy those souls on sale at the local Walmart a week before the expiration date. Till next time remember to bend low, raise your soiled croup to the heavens and fartknock the firmament.