Introduction: Age of Instant Nirvana by Sun-Lotus Sky-Eagle Bubba Free Rain

Greetings. My name is Sun Lotus Sky Eagle Bubba Free Rain and I bring glad tidings. Which is to say, I have some pretty good news. The news is: the old rules no longer apply. What old rules? I mean the old rules governing the path to enlightenment.

In the old days achieving enlightenment was difficult as all hell. It was harder than pulling a gator’s tooth with a greased glove, harder than butt-probing an enraged biker with a dry dispstick. You really had to bust your nuts and sweat fluorescent pinballs. You had to shut yourself off, turn your back on the world. You had to quit chowing down on the flesh of animals only slightly stupider than yourself and you had to quit humping everything that looked like it might own an orifice.

You had to quit guzzling gallons of dimestore rotgut and frying your neurons with tainted chronic. You had to cloister yourself and learn to meditate. You had to learn to focus what was left of your mind after years of barbarous self-abuse (check out those rodent eidolons, those phosphorescent brain-rats gnawing at the tattered remnants of your identity). In essence, you had to renounce everything you ever really gave a shit about.

Even then it wasn’t enough. Your years of agonized penance got you nowhere. You ended up with a set of brilliantly colored hemorrhoids from having squatted in one place for too long. You ended up with a terrific ache in your gonads from all that unused sperm clotting in your withered nutsack. You ended up with an empty bank account and a corpulent, crab-loused landlord threatening to evict your sorry ass unless you dropped to your knees and played ‘chickenhead’ with a loaded gullet.

In short, enlightenment or Nirvana was about as likely as a steaming spew of liquid gold from your hamster’s ass. But no more. I’m here to tell you that those teeth-gnashing, scrotum-crushing travails are a thing of the past. The old ways are no longer in effect, the old rules no longer hold sway. We have officially entered the Age of Instant Nirvana and that’s the good news I’m talking about.