Technique ONE: Adopt a Noodle

Locate a fartknocker flophouse near you. Which is to say, find a 'retirement home' in or near your neighborhood. Chances are, if you live in one the world's civilized nations (cough, cough) there'll be plenty of those on offer not far from where you live. I'm talking about one of those glorified warehouses where old people are left to rot and die in a prolonged denouement of drooling senescence.

Locate a retirement home near you (preferably in a northwesterly direction on an overcast day in autumn) and drive out there in that hideously polluting pile of rust-metal you call your car. Better yet, bounce all the way there on a motorized pogo stick with your jaws glued shut and your nuts in a raw silk harness.

Enter the retirement home with a dowser's wand slathered with swamp gunk sanctified by the pedophile priest in your local church. A dowser's wand is nothing more than a forked stick that you hold porrect (pointing straight out). Wander around the retirement home till your dowser's wand dips in the direction of an old gal in her eighties (plenty of eighty year old gals around there you bet, never a dearth of those).

Adopt the old gal and name her Noodle. I repeat: adopt the eighty year old dame you located with your dowser's wand, take her home and name her Noodle. If you insist, you may name her Noodlebear but I strongly recommend Noodle. It is very easy, these days, to adopt senior citizens of your choice. The adoptions can be temporary or permanent.

In many of the world's civilized nations old people are adopted over the holiday season, painted in garish colors and used as Christmas decorations or art nouveau conversation pieces. The old folks are also used as mobile snack-food dispensers. Hors d'oeuvres are pasted on their naked whitewashed bodies. They are then asked to mingle with party guests who pluck the food off them as they dodder past.

All this to say you won't have a problem adopting your old gal, taking her home and naming her Noodle. if your mother finds out about the adoption and calls from the crapulous roach motel you unceremoniously dumped her in, just pick up the phone and yell: WE DID DECIDE WE WERE GOING TO DATE OTHER PEOPLE DIDN'T WE? HUH? Then you slam the phone down and start setting up your enactment. What enactment? The one that'll flip you up and out into Instant Nirvana.

Take good care of Noodle for a week. Feed her well at regular intervals, bathe her with warm rosewater and rub her down with fragrant aniseed oil. At dusk on Saturday rouse her from her smoke-induced stupor (you will have smoked high grade chronic in her immediate vicinity for six hours straight), swaddle her in a newly purchased shower curtain, stick a blonde pageboy wig on her head and fix a green plastic lens (monocle) over her right eye.

Now carefully strip down to your underwear and squat on your haunches six feet from where she's sitting. The squat will most likely force a half pint of rancid air from your gut. Not a problem. Fart long and loud if you have to, but make sure you torch that methane with your cigarette lighter the moment it escapes your body (the methane, not the lighter).

Now you're all set. Noodle is seated in her wheelchair swathed in a shower curtain with a blonde wig on her head and a green monocle over her right eye. You're squatting six feet off in your underwear breathing burned fartsmoke. The sun is about to sink below the horizon and there's a twilit hush in the air.

Hold your position in silence for a minute. Then ask Noodle to shut her left eye and focus on your right toe through her green monocle. I repeat: Noodle must shut her LEFT eye and focus on your RIGHT toe with her RIGHT eye through her green mononcle. Confirm to your satisfaction that your right toe is her sole focus. Then call out her name in six prolonged shrieks.

Immediately following the sixth shriek, give your left nipple a good pinch with your right hand and whack the left side of your head with the palm of your left hand. I repeat: shriek out NoooOOOOODLE six times, pinch your left nipple with your right hand and slap your self upside the head (left side) with your left hand.

The shrieks, the nipple pinch and the skull slap should be delivered with maximum intensity, with all the gusto you can summon. If your vision darkens and silver spots boil in front of your eyes don't worry. INSTANT NIRVANA WILL ENSUE SECONDS AFTER YOU'RE DONE SLAPPING YOURSELF UPSIDE THE HEAD.

Commentary

Instant Nirvana is all about creating a confluence of events or circumstances. The confluence above should be clear enough. You have Noodle and yourself in fixed positions in a specific situation. You also have sounds emitted and actions performed in conjunction. Together, these produce the desideratum, to wit, Instant Nirvana.

The minutest details are important in creating the confluence or Nirvana Nexus. For instance, it is critically important that you name the old gal Noodle or at worst, Noodlebear. The name should appear in blood on the adoption form you fill out at the retirement home under the hateful gaze of the brutish and sneering staff.

It is also critically important that Noodle be in her eighties. If you enact the above sequence with, say, a seventy nine year old, you will fall into a nightmare coma instead of soaring to the summit of Instant Nirvana. Similarly, if you pinch your right nipple instead of pinching the stipulated (and obscenely turgid) left nipple, you may suffer a spectacular form of brain death with your cranial contents erupting out the top of your head in a hot, bloody spume. Such unpleasant eventualities should be avoided by following instructions diligently.

It is important, furthermore, that Noodle focus on your right toe as best she can. This first technique is designed to awaken an acupressure point on your right toe, a point named Hsih Xue in Chinese and Bindupada in Sanskrit. This point is located at the intersection of two Chi meridians that can be plotted on a Cartesian grid via the equation y = 3x(cubed) + Alpha, where Alpha is a logarithmic value of variable dimension. If adopting a Noodle isn't your thing, wait for technique TWO coming up next.