Commentary on Technique TWO

Some aspects of Technique TWO may bring to mind Hollywood actor Richard Gere and his gerbil. Gerbils are desert rodents with long hind legs adapted for leaping and butt-surfing. Rumor has it that Dickie Gere used to jam gerbils up his bunghole for purposes of autoerotic stimulation. The rumor is only half true. Dickie did jam gerbils up his nether foramen but not with erotic intent. He did it strictly for spiritual reasons.

Gere happens to be the inventor of Tantric Gerbil Yoga, an esoteric practice designed to awaken the Kundalini or serpent power coiled at the base of the spine. The gerbils used in this practice are enlightened bodhisattvas who know precisely what to do once they've been ritually jammed up a celebrity Buddhist croup-hole. They squirm around in lightless redolence down where the sun never shines, moving in precise adjustments till they stress the prostate gland and quicken the aspirant's Kundalini.

Tantric Gerbil Yoga can be employed for more quotidian purposes. That beauty mark on Cindy Crawford's upper lip isn't a spot of pigment. It's a gerbil embryo surgically implanted by single-testicle Bhutanese surgeons using superheated chopsticks and lengths of copper wire twisted into bizarre, trans-topological shapes. A strategically implanted gerbil embryo keeps you looking youthful well into your eighties. When you hit ninety though, your face slides off your skull and pools around your feet in a foul-smelling, effervescent puddle.

Gerbil Yoga may be a bold and innovative approach to enlightenment but it belongs to an age when the path to nirvana was slow and painstaking. Gere's method requires long and careful preparation. You have to be mentally and anally primed. Also, don't bother jamming some random pet-store gerbil up your reeking posterior. You have to have access to those hypersapient bodhisattva gerbils that Gere himself made use of. Best not to mess with all that. Best to use the Instant Nirvana technique described above.

The technique awakens an acupressure point on your perineum (the perineum being that mossy area between your nuts and your anus). This point on the perineum is known as Xuan Tze in Chinese and Mulabindu in Sanskrit. It is located at the intersection of two Chi meridians plotted on a Cartesian grid via the equation y = x(cubed) +log9. Letting that fully clothed gecko storm up your butthole will prove to be the best thing you ever did (apart from winning that bloody and near-fatal game of touch football you played with your grand-uncle's prosthetic skull over Thanksgiving).