Age of Instant Nirvana

I have claimed or averred or asseverated (take your pick, the choice here in this space is entirely yours so long as you know who's boss and so long as you continue, without pause, to kowtow and genuflect before me like a housebroken cur and acknowledge my eminence in utter abjection and supreme unction) that we have now officially entered the Age of Instant Nirvana.
This means that enlightenment or cosmic consciousness or satori or nirvikalpa samadhi or maha-pari-nirvana (drop to your callused plebeian knees, bow deep and take your pick) is now available on the cheap for a mere consideration.

But available to whom? Does every swinging dick and puckered asshole on this raped, vitiated, despoiled and doomed planet qualify for sudden enlightenment on the cheap? Amazingly, disturbingly, the answer is YES. Instant Nirvana is now within reach not just for the pure, the compassionate, the well-intentioned and the noble. Instant Nirvana has swung within humping distance for the scum of the earth, for the evil, vicious, rot-gutted, pig-buggering trolls who run our governments and corporations. This means that dung-spawned maggots like Rupert "Ratpecker" Murdoch or Tony "Prison Bitch" Blair or Arnold "Fuhrerfuck" Schwarzenegger or George "Genocide Jerkoff" Bush can, if they so desire, achieve sudden enlightenment via one or more of the techniques soon to be presented here. But let's not get too dejected about that. Chances are, these schlong-chompers either won't opt for Instant Nirvana or they won't be in a position to try.

Good news, in this regard, for the women of the world. You gals out there don't really need to read this shit (though I'd be flattered if you did). You don't need to bother with the Instant Nirvana techniques soon to be presented here. Why? Because all human females on planet earth (with a handful of exceptions) will become spontaneously enlightened on December 21st 2012. If I'm not mistaken, that's the day the Mayan Calendar comes to a screeching halt much as the Mayans themselves did after all them Spanish "explorers" showed up. In any event, all human females, hermaphrodites, epicenes, androgynes, trans-sexuals, dedicated trans-vestites and anyone in garters, stockings or split-crotch, cherry-flavored edible panties WILL achieve Nirvana at the stroke of noon on December 21st, 2012. The handful of women who WON'T make it on that date include: Margaret Thatcher, Condoleeza Rice, Angela Merkel, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Madeleine Albright. Other ghastly and purulent hags of their ilk will likewise fail.

When, precisely, did the Age of Instant Nirvana begin? How did it begin? How long will it last? And why, in the name of the pope's holy putz, does it matter? These questions may have taken shape in the reeking bogs of your primitive reptile hindbrain. They ought to have taken shape. They WOULD have taken shape if you hadn't spent half the night emptying that mason jar of corn whiskey you purchased from Hooter the hammer-toed hillbilly, if you hadn't spent the rest of the night ravishing your inflatable foam-rubber sex doll, the one that looks and smells like Henry Kissinger. But no matter, rest easy, all is forgiven. I aim to answer these and other questions with or without your consent, right after I'm done frying up the roadkill I filched from my neighbor's trailer. I live in a trailerpark, for those who give a crap. I used to be a halfwit bumpkin wandering around with a rusted droolcup nailed to my chin and my flyblown, moth-eaten dong hanging from a flap in my overalls. Then those planes smashed into the Twin Towers and changed everything forever, radically altered my brain chemistry, flipped my chakra axis, reshaped my morphogenetic field. More about that and related matters in my next post. Till then, keep your nose to the ground and fart-knock the stars.

Introduction: Age of Instant Nirvana by Sun-Lotus Sky-Eagle Bubba Free Rain

Greetings. My name is Sun Lotus Sky Eagle Bubba Free Rain and I bring glad tidings. Which is to say, I have some pretty good news. The news is: the old rules no longer apply. What old rules? I mean the old rules governing the path to enlightenment.

In the old days achieving enlightenment was difficult as all hell. It was harder than pulling a gator’s tooth with a greased glove, harder than butt-probing an enraged biker with a dry dispstick. You really had to bust your nuts and sweat fluorescent pinballs. You had to shut yourself off, turn your back on the world. You had to quit chowing down on the flesh of animals only slightly stupider than yourself and you had to quit humping everything that looked like it might own an orifice.

You had to quit guzzling gallons of dimestore rotgut and frying your neurons with tainted chronic. You had to cloister yourself and learn to meditate. You had to learn to focus what was left of your mind after years of barbarous self-abuse (check out those rodent eidolons, those phosphorescent brain-rats gnawing at the tattered remnants of your identity). In essence, you had to renounce everything you ever really gave a shit about.

Even then it wasn’t enough. Your years of agonized penance got you nowhere. You ended up with a set of brilliantly colored hemorrhoids from having squatted in one place for too long. You ended up with a terrific ache in your gonads from all that unused sperm clotting in your withered nutsack. You ended up with an empty bank account and a corpulent, crab-loused landlord threatening to evict your sorry ass unless you dropped to your knees and played ‘chickenhead’ with a loaded gullet.

In short, enlightenment or Nirvana was about as likely as a steaming spew of liquid gold from your hamster’s ass. But no more. I’m here to tell you that those teeth-gnashing, scrotum-crushing travails are a thing of the past. The old ways are no longer in effect, the old rules no longer hold sway. We have officially entered the Age of Instant Nirvana and that’s the good news I’m talking about.